SoapNights / Kristin Nicole

The-Question:

Me and my husband used to fight a lot! The first time I left him was because he got really nasty when we used to fight. I realized how much I loved him and asked him for another chance… eventually after long hours of tears we were back together again. It went great the first month, then we started fighting again. We knew we should have gone to a marriage counselor, but we never did! After I asked him the one night if he want me and his kid or his alcohol he said his alcohol. I know he just said it because he was mad at me, but I was so stubborn and I left him again. It’s been 6months now and I still love him with all my heart, and I know it could work if we just get some counseling. But I’m afraid he’ll ask me why I left him and why I suddenly love him again… I don’t want to give him wrong answers or screw this up. Please help me, I love him. He also spent our last money on alcohol, but he only buys alcohol on the weekend. He doesn’t need to drink everyday or every minute, but does this make him an alcoholic?

My response:

Dear confused wife;

If you felt compelled to leave him the first time, I am sure it was for a reason, just because you left doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t love the person. However, if the relationship isn’t healthy and you are constantly fighting that isn’t good. If you truly wanted your marriage to work it isn’t only you that has to fight to make it work, it seems to me he isn’t fighting either. Counseling is a good beginning, if you truly want to try again that’s always an option. My opinion: If you feel that you need to try one more time then go for it, go to marriage counseling and try to make it work, but remember you aren’t the only person that needs to make the effort here so does your husband. Sometimes we fall in love with the image of what we think our marriage should be, we fall in love with the idea of happiness and what could be, but sometimes we need to step back and realize that sometimes love just isn’t enough, sometimes it just wasn’t meant to be. If your husband is using the last of your money to buy alcohol don’t excuse him, it is a problem. Just because he doesn’t need it every day or minute it can be a problem. This doesn’t necessarily mean he’s an alcoholic if he is only a social drinker, but there are responsibilities and if he’s using the money for your bills for alcohol then YES it is a problem. Sit down with your husband and talk to him like two mature adults, explain to him that you left because of the fighting and you weren’t happy but that it doesn’t mean that you don’t love him. Explain to him that he too needs to make an effort and if the two of you really want to try to make it work that you need to go into counseling. If he refuses, then there isn’t anything you can do. But really think about what you want, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone you are constantly fighting with? With someone you aren’t happy with? Don’t look at what could be, and look at the NOW, Look at what your relationship is like now, and what it’s been like. Do you think that there is the slightest hope, that the two of you can change, that the two of you can be without all the fighting, and be happy? If you can, then go for it, if you can’t, then you have a lot of things to think about, and you need to make a big decision. Love sometimes just isn’t enough, we need more then that in a relationship. Good luck, keep me updated.

xo,
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

Please feel free to leave comments about what your thoughts are on this subject.

The Question:

Guy Number 1:
I have someone new in my life. This person is the only one who has crossed oceans to see me. He’s come to visit twice in New York and Japan. He even told me he loved me and cried when asked him what we were. He said friends. You live far away and we really can’t put a label on this Now he is distancing himself.

Guy Number 2: This guy just this past week got in contact with me.
I had strong feeling for him in 2008. When he broke up with his girl friend he came after me. Things eventually did not last. I decided to stop talking to him even though he wanted to safe the friendship. Now he emailed me just to catch up and thank me for taking him to concert back when we had a thing.We talked over the net for 1 hour. He said he missed talking to me and that I reminded him of someone very close to us. Men are strange..

Is this sign that I’m just a good friend to all these guys.

My response:

Dear friend;

Lets start with Guy #1 - I agree with him that you should just stay friends, long distance relationships are hard, I am not saying they don’t work out but the percentage of them actually working is low. It’s a little extreme to travel so far to see you, and I can see where you are getting mixed signals, but be happy that he was honest with you and he isn’t leading you on by saying he does want to have a relationship, later only to find out he’s with someone else because you are just way too far. Stay friends with this guy, he seems like a good guy.

Guy #2 – It’s good to catch up sometimes but if things didn’t work out the first time, sit back and evaluate why it didn’t work out. How old were you, and some people mature after a few years, it has been 2 years since you last saw him. It could also just mean that the guy was lonely and decided to try and talk to you again because he remembered what a cool girl you are. I wouldn’t totally push this guy away if you like him, but I would keep my guard up. If you want to just stay friends with him, I don’t see anything wrong with that, but if he wants something more and you don’t, be honest with him and let him know you just aren’t into him in that way anymore. He lost his chance the first time, sometimes things don’t work out for a reason.

Don’t think of yourself as just a good friend to these guys, they might like you more then that, but sometimes things don’t work out. Find yourself a new guy that is in the same City and start to date, and one that isn’t an ex boyfriend.

xo,
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

The Question:

Why can’t men clean themselves better?
I swear when I do the laundry it’s like I have 4 little boys, I have three boys ages 4-6-9 and my husband and they all leave skid marks.
How does my husband expect me to be sexually attractive to him after seeing stains each laundry?

My response:

Dear mother of 4;

Okay first I have to just say it…. EWWEEE! Second, tell your husband as bluntly as possible that he isn’t 4, 6 or 9 and to learn how to clean his ass better. I mean if he needs to carry around wipes then just do it, but PLEASE, oh PLEASE learn how to clean your ass like a grown man! Explain to him how you feel, exactly what you wrote here “How do you expect me to be sexually attractive to you after seeing stains in your underpants”? Ask him if he would like to see stains on your underpants? I’m sure that might be an eye opener for him. Unfortunately men never grow up, and you have 3 little boys plus a husband who, well lets face it, isn’t going to change, but this is just something you have to start teaching your boys now so that they don’t turn out like their father (in this department, that is). Good luck, and be blunt with your husband, and if he can’t learn to wipe his ass correctly, you can tell him to wash his own underwear from now on.

xo,
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

The Question:

My step-son will be 18 in Aug. He has been promised a job and wants to move in with his dad and me. We told him if this job comes through then we would get a personal loan in order for him to purchase a used car. We told him he would have to make the payments on the loan and pay his own insurance. He agreed. My hubby called his EX wife and asked her if this was ok with her. I feel it is none of her business. She isn’t going to be part of the loan application, making the payments or the insurance plus the child will be 18 when this takes place.

My response:

Dear Step-Mom;

I understand where you are coming from, but just because he’s 18 doesn’t mean the mother won’t worry about her son, or that she isn’t going to want to know what’s going on with him. I don’t know the situation between the son and his mother and why he wants to move in with you guys, but I have to agree with your husband on this one BUT not entirely. Let me explain….I agree with him giving the Ex wife the heads up, she has a right to know what is going on with her son, and that he will be driving soon and living with you guys, I don’t agree with asking for “approval”, after all he is going to be 18 therefor any share custody or full custody is now out of the question. I don’t think that she needs to approve anything, he will be 18 and the father has every right to get him a car or do as he pleases with his son, however I think it’s just nice of him to give her the heads up, I don’t think it should bother you much, it really isn’t going to change anything. Trust your husband and the way he’s handling things, and don’t worry so much about what the Ex wife needs to know or doesn’t need to know. Now if he’s telling her personal stuff about your life then that’s things she DOESN’T need to know. Other then that, I think telling her about the car is fine, having to get approval is NOT fine.

xo,
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

The Question:

My e-mail began acting up recently. After about a week, I decided to change my password and create a new account all together. When I changed my password, I found that mail-forwarding had been activated. An easy file transfer was set up (so that all of my files/e-mails were sent to a different computer) as well as e-mail to iPhone. I live with my boyfriend. He’s a computer guy — has an iPhone. It had to be him.

I’m not mad at all, I have NOTHING to hide. But I’m confused. We’re very close, affectionate, spend the majority of our time together. I feel we’re very open with one another and there’s no reason to be suspicious. Plus, he’s the least jealous guy I know. I have no idea why he’d be snooping around. The other night, we got in an argument. Afterward, I came downstairs, was typing on Yahoo Answers for advice. Perhaps maybe he thought I was e-mailing someone, I don’t know.

I’ve change the password on the account and am now using a new e-mail. As I said before, I don’t care if he looked because I have no secrets. I’m just concerned he did this behind my back and am curious as to what he was looking for. I’ve let it go for a few days now. Should I bring it up? If so, how do I confront him?

My response:

Dear boyfriend intrusion;

You definitely need to confront your boyfriend. Trust is one of the biggest issues people have in their relationship and without it, there is nothing to go by. Be honest with your boyfriend about what you found in your email. Remember that even though all fingers are pointing towards your boyfriend he may deny that he had anything to do with that, and you have to make a decision weather to trust him or not and move on from it. If he does admit it was him, explain to him that you have nothing to hide as he can see, but that it hurt that he had to go behind your back to do something like this when he should have trusted you from the beginning. If he does admit this you are going to have to trust he won’t do it again and move on from this, this is definitely a violation of trust and of your personal stuff. No person should have to go through the other persons stuff, it’s a violation of privacy, if the other person is curious about something then they should just ask. Good luck and keep me updated.

xo,
kristin nicole

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I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

The Question:

My girlfriend and I have been involved since the beginning of February, so ~6 weeks now. I realized very early on that there was love potential and we have now come to acknowledge it (she first). Shes very bright, beautiful, an excellent lover and open to new ideas and adventures. Unfortunately, she just got out of an abusive relationship in November where she was violently abused on half a dozen occasions and was cheated on four times. She sought revenge on him and cheated on him three times. After their breakup she whored around with 8 more guys in 2.5 months and used alcohol as an escape. She kept much of the nitty-gritty from me until she knew I wasn’t going to bail immediately. She has agreed to start counseling at the end of the month.

My response:

Dear Boyfriend in a rut;

You are definitely dating someone with a lot of baggage. Although it was good that she was honest with you, you are going to have to be patient and understanding and you are going to have to trust that she won’t go cheating on you due to her insecurities. There really isn’t much you can do but be there for her, show her that you aren’t one of her ex’s that is going to go cheat on her and you aren’t going to be abusive to her either. You are already helping her by showing her you aren’t that kind of person and by supporting her in her decision to go to counseling. This will be very good for her. Your girlfriend going to counseling is already the first step into her getting better, her realizing that what she was doing to get over her hurt wasn’t the right route to go. You are already helping her by just being there for her and supporting her. Keep it up, it seems to me she has found a good boyfriend. Good luck, keep me updated.

xo,
kristin nicole

Please feel free to leave any comments.

You can find this on Answers.Yahoo.com

The Question:

How do I deal with my ex? He’s constantly wanting to do things together and those times are over. We have a four year old together, and been split up for three years. I am currently with a great man, however my ex keeps asking to do things together. He called to get our son this weekend and when he asked if I was still with my current he flipped the script, and didn’t get our son this weekend. It seems like he only wants to see our baby when I am there too. This is hurting my child, for he adores his daddy, and I am running out of things to tell him as to where Daddy’s at. What should I do?? Please Help.

My response:

Dear Baby Daddy drama;

Be honest with your ex, and ask him straight forward, what is up with him? Your ex is obviously still hoping that the two of you have a chance on getting back together (you said you have been separated for three years now) he needs to move on. He needs to understand that you guys are over and there is absolutely no chance in the two of you rekindling anything again. Explain to him that when he says he is going to pick up your son, he needs to follow through with it, your son is at the age that he remembers if Daddy was coming to pick him up or not and he is only hurting your son. This is hard because you are thinking about your son as you should, but don’t hold back and be honest with him, he needs to wake up and realize that he’s hurting his son by doing this and he needs to move on from whatever it is he thinks he’s doing by hanging out with your son only when you are around. Does he continue to help you in other ways with your son? I know you lie to your son so that you don’t hurt him, and I am not a parent nor am I in your shoes, but I believe in being honest with your child, eventually you aren’t going to be able to come up with excuses, and kids are smart, eventually he’s going to know something isn’t right. Have faith and be honest with your ex, if he wants to be a good father, he’ll grow up and stop thinking about himself for a change. If he doesn’t grow up the only thing you can do is continue what you have been doing, being a great mother to your son and being there for him even if that means his dad isn’t.

Good luck, let me know how it goes.

xo,
kristin nicole

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The Question:

So I am 21 years old and have been with a guy for almost 2 years that makes me incredibly happy…I’ve been studying overseas for the past few months and he had decided about a month before i left that it would be easier to go into the distance as friends and focus on our lives as individuals…after being here, i agree, however it has made me feel very insecure about what’s to come in our relationship because there is no title…i have been traveling like crazy, and the only means of him contacting me is IM or email. I call him from skype, but he can’t call the number back so our communication means are very limited… I still love him to death and know I want to give us a shot when i get home in a few months but can’t tell whether I should read in between the lines with his responses, or if he truly is being sincere…i expressed to him my feelings and that i felt as if we were growing distant and he explained that of course he loves me and of course he cares about me and assured me that the only reason our communication is dwindling is because I have been gone and he assumed that when i got back from my trips that I’d give him a call…and then the next day he sent me a cute little email and signed it with “love”, so it doesn’t seem as if hes ignoring me, but i feel like he almost doesn’t quite get why I’m feeling the confusion I’m feeling b/c he’s in the same comfortable environment that he’s always been in and is constantly being reassured by me that i love him…is it right for me to get upset that there’s not an email waiting for me when i get back from my trips, or that he doesn’t constantly reach out to me? its realy hard because i have to call him and if he misses the call he can’t simply call me back..he can email me or IM me if I’m online, but because in this situation, the phone only works one way, i find myself reaching out to him by calling him more than he is reaching out to me… i have friends that are in the same situation and tell me that their boyfriends are constantly writing them emails, but that’s not the case for me. I’m very confused on if he’s just kind of taking things easy until i get home or if he’s distancing himself from me because I’m supposed to be catching some hint that its over between me and him? and if that’s the case then why would he still tell me he loves me and wants to see what happens with us when i get back? I’m really confused I need a girls and guys opinion please…

My response:

Dear long distance;

First things first, you both decided to not be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore and live your individual lives, so you can’t expect him to be writing or trying to contact you all the time, he’s doing what you both agreed on “living your separate lives”. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you anymore or that he doesn’t love you anymore, he has obviously reached out and told you that he still cares, and that you’ll see if you take off where you left off when you come back home. My only concern with this, how long were you going over seas for? Why the breakup? If you are only going to be gone for a few months, I don’t understand why you two would break up instead of him just waiting for you to return. If you are going to be gone longer then a year, then perhaps he wanted to date other girls, which is something you have to think of and prepare yourself for. He’s a man, and men only think of one thing sometimes. The next time you get to talk to him on the phone reach out to him and ask him what is going to happen between the two of you, because you can’t keep waiting around for his calls, or emails hoping that when you return he’ll be there waiting for you to become boyfriend and girlfriend again if that isn’t going to happen. I know it’s hard and long distance relationships are very hard, but don’t compare your situation with your friends, your friends are receiving emails and IMs from there “still” boyfriends. Yours is only a friend right now (you decided that before you left remember). Take it easy be positive and if he really does love you, he’ll be waiting for you to get back home, if he’s not waiting, as much as it will hurt, it just wasn’t meant to be, and you deserve someone who will wait for you longer then just a few months, someone who will love you enough to try and make things work.
Good luck.

xo,
kristin nicole

Found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

The Question:

OK I love my ex and we’ve been through a lot. She broke up with her boyfriend to be with me but she got raped a couple days ago and she won’t talk to me anymore and says she wants to be left alone. I’ve tried to show her love and affection, but she just doesn’t want to talk to me. She’s saying all guy’s are bad and can’t be trusted and things. And I preached to her saying I love her and won’t hurt her but it’s like whatever I say it’s not getting through to her. I love this girl with all my life and God knows if something would ever happen to her I couldn’t live without her. I thought she loved me and wanted to get back together but I’m not sure anymore. Girls are difficult lol. I’m not sure if she’s not getting back with me because she plans on getting back with her boyfriend she just left for me. I love her though and I want her to be happy. So please give me your advice please.

My response:

Dear ex boy;

This isn’t about you, she was Raped, she didn’t just fall of a bike to get right back up. This is a traumatic event and she can be going through some major emotions right now. (Depression, guilt, post traumatic stress, so many things are going through her mind right now) the last thing on her mind is getting back with you or having any boyfriend. Men to her right now are evil, and it’s going to be hard for her to pass this and realize that you and the other men in her life that love her aren’t bad people. Don’t try to be her boyfriend, if you really love her give her time, just try to be her friend. Start off slow and just tell her that you are there for her as a friend, that you love her and whatever she needs you are there. Talk to her friends and family, she needs to be talking to someone about her Rape. (A counselor, a psychologist) someone…. be patient she needs time to heal and figure things out, she needs time to come to terms with what really happened to her and she needs to figure out how to move on from this.

I found a few websites that help with rape victims… here they are:

www.justicewomen.com

www.healthyplace.com

http://members.tripod.com

htp://womenshealth.about.com

My prayers are with your ex-girlfriend.

xo,
kristin nicole

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