SoapNights / Kristin Nicole

The Question:

I am a divorced 43 years old woman with 3 children. Should I say to my brother not to interfere in my life?

I am a divorced 43 years old woman with 2 sons and 1 daughter. I have a 29 year old brother who is very strict with my kids who live only a few blocks from the house. He is strict with my children regarding studies, discipline, neatness, manners and just recently he scolded my daughter who is 18 years old because she came late from a party at 2 in the morning. My daughter got angry and told me that her uncle doesn’t have any rights to interfere in our lives. I know that my brother loves me and my children, he is the one who was there with me when I was divorced, but do you think it is wrong of him to interfere in my life and my childrens life as they are old now. Should I say to my brother not to interfere in my life? What would you do if you were in my place, would you say to your brother not to interfere in your life?

My Response:

Dear Sister and Mother;

I think that you are a grown women, and I think that your brother only wants what is best for your children, but if you feel that your brother is interfering just a little too much in their lives then you have every right to tell him to back off a little. Sit down with your brother and explain to him that you are grateful to have him has a brother, and that you are grateful for him being there for you through the divorce but that you feel he is acting too tough with your children. You do not mind him giving you his opinion but you need for him to back off just a little and let you handle your children on your own. Tell him he is a great uncle and brother but that the children are feeling like he is trying to almost replace their dad in their lives. Don’t take it the wrong way if he replies to you harshly, he might take this in the wrong way, but if he’s the brother you are portraying him to be (caring and loving) then he’ll get over it. It is your life and your children’s lives and if he is trying to discipline them, that is your job and your job alone. Just sit down with him and tell him how you feel, I’m sure he will understand. Just don’t feel bad telling him, this is your life and your children’s lives, you have every right to tell him to just back off a little. I have a brother, and if I was in your shoes, I would tell him in the kindest ways I know how to just back off a little, and I am sure he would understand.

xo
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

The Question:

My Ex is seriously driving me insane. She always comes and go’s when she wants even when we were together. I always did everything for her, bought her so many nice things got her medicine and took care of her when she was sick. I always put her first and she never gave me any appreciation in return. In the start of our relationship she would always tell me how much she loved me and it made me feel so good.

I gave up everything for this girl my friends, my job, my life just to try and make this stupid girl happy but it was never enough, she always wanted something more from me and what I gave her wasn’t enough. Now she won’t even return my phone calls I want to forget her but I can’t…

I want to move on but I want what I cant have and shes playing that card on me, how do I overcome this huge obstacle especially when she ruined my life.

My Response:

Dear Obsessed;

We all have choices in life, you chose to leave your work and friends for this girl, she did not make you do those things, so you can not blame her for “ruining your life”. You did that all on your own, and you are still stuck in that cycle right now. She obviously does not love you, to allow you to do the things you did. A women who truly loves their men would help them in their career, would hang out with their friends friends and they would not be so selfish as to want everything for themselves. You are infatuated with this women and right now you want what you can’t have. Sit down for a moment and really evaluate your relationship and read what you just wrote. Is this the kind of women you really want in your life? You obviously know she is no good for you and she treats you badly so why would you want someone like that in your life? You need to finally just get up and move on. Get your life back on track, go apologize to your friends, get your career back on track and then go out there and meet a women that is actually worth your time. You do not need to drop your life to be with someone you love, if they love you they will join your life and become part of your life.

Good luck.
xo,
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

The Question:

Hey I’m 18 and have a little sister who is 14 and wondered if you could help. Well about a year ago my sister wanted to speak to me about something and that’s when she told me that mum was having an affair because she had seen messages on her phone and she just broke down in my arms and just cried and this has been going on ever since. I dint know what to do so i told my dad about this. Every Friday she says that she goes out with friends for a meal but we don’t believe this and think that she is going to see him. And every time my sister has baton twirling she tends to go out and say that she is either going for a walk or going shopping on her own which is something she has never done. Every time she gets a text she hides it and even takes her phone with her everywhere she goes. But when i manage to get a chance i always have a look at her phone and find messages from him. I found the letters at the weekend which had some awful things on there, and they have been together a year i think in may. And we all know that it is a person that she works with baring in mind apparently he is married with two children just like my mum is. I just feel really sorry for my dad in a way because he has never done anything to deserve this i just don’t understand. I always try to confront her about it but she constantly denies it which i think is one of the reasons that there are constant arguments around the house. My dad knows but will not do anything all he keeps telling me is that he is biding his time. What should i do leave it to my dad or confront her myself, but beforehand when i spoke to her about it she just said that he was a really close mate. I’m so scared to confront her though as i don’t want to break the family up. Please someone help what should i do?

My response:

Dear stuck in the middle;

This is something that no teenager or daughter/son should have to deal with it. This is something your parents have to deal with on their own. I know it’s hard, but you already confronted your dad about it, and he already knows something is going on. I know it’s hard to just sit back and watch all this happen, watch your family fall apart, while you sit back and do nothing. The thing is, no matter what you try to do, there really isn’t anything you can do. Your parents are adults and they know what they are doing. Your mother knows that what she is doing is wrong, but she continues to do it, and go back home and pretend everything is fine, when everyone in that house knows it isn’t. Your dad knows what’s going on but he can be either in denial or he doesn’t know how to approach the situation. It’s hard for a person to find out that their spouse is cheating on them, it’s not easy to take that all in, especially when he has a family to think about. He may be thinking that he’s staying with your mom because of you girls, and that he doesn’t want to hurt you guys, but what he doesn’t realize is, that staying is hurting you guys more, because the both of you already know what’s been going on for more then a year, and you sit back and have to see your dad in pain. Talk to your dad again and tell him how you feel. If it makes you feel better, then I say go ahead and talk to your mom. Let her know that you know, that to stop lying and hiding it from you. I don’t know what these letters you found said so I am assuming it’s hard evidence into your mothers affair. If this is the case, then like I said, if it will help you sleep a little better confronting your mother, go for it. Just know that this may not change things, she may still deny it, unless you catch her in the act, where she can’t deny it any longer, confront your dad, and tell him that you don’t want to live this lie anymore, it’s only hurting your family more. I know you don’t want to break the family up, but know that you aren’t, none of this was ever or will ever be your fault or your sisters or your fathers. Your mom knows what she is doing, and she is the only one breaking up your family by doing this. It’s hard and painful and I am sorry that you have to go through this, BUT sit down with your parents and tell them how you are feeling. Keeping things inside, pretending it isn’t happening isn’t going to make things better. Standing up and saying how you feel isn’t going to make it your fault if your parents separate, the only person to blame is the person who cheated. Be patient, I know right now it feels like things can’t get any worse, and you feel helpless, but life will get better. Good luck and I hope that your family can work things out.

xo,
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

The Question:

My wife has now started to kiss me differently as she doesn’t open her mouth to kiss me anymore.

She pecks me on the lips but there is no opening of the mouth or the use of tongues and I wonder what signal is this sending out to me.

We have sex but I feel the change in the way she now kisses me is telling me something.

Please be honest and tell me what it means. If there are any women out there who can tell me why they are doing the same thing to there partners would be a great insight for me.

My Response:

Dear Kisses;

The best answer you can get is directly from your wife. Sit down with your wife and tell her how you are feeling, tell her the changes in her kissing that you have noticed and you feel that something is wrong. If she tells you nothing is wrong, push a little and tell her you can notice the change and you want to fix whatever might be bothering her. Maybe nothing is wrong with her and she just doesn’t want to kiss that much, but if you know this is not normal behavior then just out right bring it up to her. She’s your wife so don’t be shy, just tell her how you are feeling and get to the bottom of this, don’t let it linger around and let things get worse.

Good luck

xo
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

The Question:

She was a ***** and left me! I told her she needed me to take care of her illness but she wouldn’t listen! Is it wrong that I feel she got what she deserved?

My Response:

Dear Hurtful;

Just because she left you does not mean you should be happy about her dieing of cancer. I am assuming you knew about her cancer because you stated “I told her she needed me to take care of her illness but she wouldn’t listen”, Did you ever think that perhaps she didn’t want you to go through loosing her to an illness that would ultimately end her life? Maybe she didn’t want you seeing her like that, and she knew that her cancer was more deadly then she led on to you? Or perhaps did you ever think that maybe now knowing that she did pass away from cancer that her leaving you was a little easier than having to watch her die? There are many different ways you can look at this, but to be happy she died of cancer just because she left you is just out right mean. No one deserves to have such a horrible illness and die in that way. No matter how much you may feel she hurt you for leaving you, remember not to judge those going through something you and I would know nothing about. Being there for someone with an illness this severe is hard, but being that person going through with the illness is unimaginable. You need to forgive her for letting you go, forgive and let that hate you hold for her out of you, because living with that hatred inside is not going to help you move forward.

xo
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

Sometimes I wonder if what life is showing me in the NOW is what I’m supposed to take into my heart?!?

As of late I have a lot on my mind. Wondering where life is leading me at my age, what life has in store for me in the future and if what I’m doing NOW is the right thing towards a better tomorrow. We each live our lives the best way we know how, the way our parents or guardians have taught us to live. We live doing what we think is right and we hope that what our future holds is what we have been working so hard to achieve. Do you ever sit and wonder where you would be if only you turned right on that road, instead of left? I sometimes wonder why it is I don’t really wonder about turning right instead of left. I sometimes do not think about the what if’s because if I think “what if”, it isn’t going to change the NOW.

We all have regrets in life, I should have done it this way… I never should have… If only I would have… all those what if’s won’t change the fact that you did or did not do something you should have done. Each path we take in life is a lesson learned, build on that lesson and figure out what it is you need to do so that you don’t make the same mistake twice.

We all have choices in life. We choose to love someone, we choose to hate someone, we choose to wear the clothes we put on in the mornings and we choose the simplest things in life that make us happy. If you aren’t happy with your life, you have the choice to change it. I know sometimes it’s scary to make those choices, to finally get up and make the move, but if you do it, if it will truly make you happy, then why not go for it?

I once was told that I was like a wall with no emotions, because when I got angry I shut them out. I chose to change, and I chose to open up and let them in, only to get hurt. Life lesson?? Maybe I shouldn’t put that wall down? Or maybe I just needed to let someone in only to find the true person I was supposed to find in life? Everything in life, whether good or bad happens for a reason, and we may not understand why, but one day you will turn around and realize that it had to happen to get where you are. We meet people in our lives who introduce us to other people were supposed to meet and sometimes the people who introduced us aren’t even in our lives anymore. Ever wonder why that is? We had to meet that one person so that we can meet the next person who is supposed to enter into our lives. I believe in that everything happens for a reason, even if sometimes I don’t understand the reasons.

If you love someone you shouldn’t think so much about the future and the things you want in life before you move on to that next step, because sometimes you wait so long for that perfect moment, and that perfect moment passes you by. When you look over that perfect moment might be gone forever. Live in the NOW, if you love someone tell them you love them. If you have something inside you just want to tell that person, tell them. If you have a friend you wish you could just talk to again, but it’s been a while, pick up the phone. If you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, then do it. Don’t wait for a better tomorrow because tomorrow is NEVER PROMISED!

Life is too short to always think about the what if’s, so for right now, this moment in life, I’m LIVING IN THE NOW!

xo,
kristin nicole

The Question:

Been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years and we have a daughter together, things were rocky at the start as he cheated but he showed remorse and devoted himself to me and our daughter and things have been great with us. I have had suspicions about him talking to other girls on facebook so i made an account pretending to be this girl and when i logged in there was an email that said he wanted to catch up for a coffee, i am totally heart broken….do you think hes gonna cheat? just back from a nice holiday with his parents and everything was great, do i end it with him?

My Response:

Dear Snooping;

Okay lets start off with the first obvious – HE CHEATED ON YOU once already… this should have been your first sign to get out and move on, I understand you have a daughter together but he cheated on you and the trust was broken and no matter how nice he acts or how things may seem like they are changing, it will always be hard to trust him again. The fact that he is on Facebook writing to girls and asking them to meet is a form of cheating. This does not mean he is physically cheating on you or that he has cheated again, but it is a form of emotional cheating. You have options. First I want to say that if you felt the need to snoop and make a facebook account to trick your boyfriend then the trust is obviously not there. Do you want to be in a relationship always wondering if that person is being faithful to you? Or a relationship that you can sit back and enjoy because you know that person would not do that to you? You have options, we all do. You can confront him and tell him about what happened (however, do not be surprised if he tries turning things around and saying he knew it was you all along, what are you going to do then?) You can go behind his back and have a friend he’s never met before meet him, and see how far it will progress (but do you want to put yourself through this?) Is it really worth it? If you have to go this far into trying to catch your boyfriend cheating, then to me, it’s just not worth it. If the trust is not there, there is no true relationship. If you can’t trust him and you think he is cheating on you, then you need to move on. I am not saying to end it because of an email, I think you need to talk to him first and tell him how you feel. If you know deep down you will never be able to trust him, you have to ask yourself a few questions and decide if this relationship is worth holding on to.

Good luck.

xo,
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

The Question:

My dad has always been a bit heavy with the alcohol and me and my family have noticed he gets angry when he drinks. He gets real abusive by telling me I’m fat or I’m not good enough in some way and yells saying how I’m not good enough. Afterwords he says he only does it because he loves me and wants the best for me. Today he came home drinking again and he practically sits on me on the lounge I did swear at him so he hits me over the head. Then I do retaliate by swearing at him more and he goes for a face slap but instead hits my nose, it was hard and it hurt. What to do?

Additional Details

I’m a 16 yr old girl and he wont go to therapy….

My Response:

Dear abused;

This is a hard position to be in because you are only 16, and you shouldn’t be the one having to take care of this. Where is your mother in all this? If your mom is around, you need to talk to your mom and tell her how this is affecting you. No person, not even a parent has the right to verbally abuse or physically abuse someone. There are options though. First if your mom is around she needs to sit with your dad and tell him with you there, how you all feel about his drinking (you need to tell him this when he is sober). Some places offer interventions to try and have him commit himself into a facility for Alcoholics. If you do not have a mom around then you can try talking to him again and explaining to him how much this is hurting you, and that he needs to get help. Do you have other family members that can help you, somewhere you can go when he’s drinking? A child under the age can always get legally emancipated from their parents. (You can get more information about this here www.larcc.org

If you can go live with another family member until your dad realizes what he is doing to you, perhaps this is your best choice at the moment. Your dad needs help, and right now you may be only getting a little slap and emotional abuse here and there, but things can escalate, and you need to find a way to let your dad know how you feel. Remember just because he does not want to quit does not mean he does not love you, alcoholic abuse is very dangerous and some people do not know how to get sober on their own.

I hope this helps a little.

xo,
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

The Question:

She was super nice when I told her then a few weeks later turned on me. I forwarded her all the emails, text messages and she was so thankful then out of the blue started snapping on me. Now blocked me and everything. Her and her husband deserve each other. I should have never gotten involved in this craziness.

My Response:

Dear Other Women;

Do not let this bother you so much. You did what you think was right, and you thought she would be grateful that you told her the truth about her husband. You have to understand that maybe she’s grateful in a way for you telling her that her husband was cheating, but at the end of the day when she started reading all the texts, and emails and realizing that her husband betrayed her with another women, that YOU WERE THE OTHER WOMEN. No matter what, at the end of the day you are that one person that made her world fall apart. I am not sure why you decided to tell his wife about your affair, did you know he was married when you started having a relationship with this man? If you knew he was married all along, then it was wrong on your part on all levels, (and telling his wife about the two of you was more likely a way to get back at him for him not leaving his wife); if you did not know he was married and it was just as much as a shock to you as it was to his wife that he was cheating, then you did what you thought was right and now you just have to move on. Don’t let her being upset at you get you upset, it’s natural for her to be angry at you, even if you told her the truth about her lying, cheating husband. Move on, and find yourself a real man, one that isn’t married.

xo
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

The Question:

My husband packed his things and moved back in with his parents last weekend. He said things between us are not working out and he needs space and time to think things over. We have been both feeling taken for granted and I have been having trust issues since he started talking to his female friend again. The only time we have talked is when I called him (2 times) this week (thurs and sun). I know I should not have called, and that I am fully accountable for my actions, I just called in a moment of weakness. Sunday night, he told me if we went to a counselor and he/she could convince him this marriage is salvageable then he will try, otherwise he is done. He said “if they can change my mind, then I will give it another try”. He just seems like he has given up. Also when we talk he is very short with me and doesn’t say much. I feel so hopeless. He told me he would call weds with his new work schedule so I would know what day he can go to counseling, but now I am not sure if I want to go. He doesn’t seem like he will be very receptive so whats the point? I feel like I am dragging him there kicking and screaming. Should I just drop it and ignore him completely for a couple of weeks, or what? Please help!! I am still very in love with him, and want this to work. He says he still loves me, when I ask but not that he misses me. I feel so awful.

Additional Details:
I have apologized several times. He just tells me he knows I will revert to my old self, and that our relationship is too damaged. He said I had his love and threw it away. I know that I did. I have been working with a counselor on my issues and done a work shop already, but I can’t go it alone.

My Response:

Dear in a rut;

It seems to me that your problems only progressed as time went on. It is hard to love someone and have the other person give up on you. With that said, you can still try marriage counseling but know that you cannot change a person minds, and person will only change the way he feels if he/she actually feels it and if he/she wants to change. Ignoring him is not going to make the problem go away, and if you really want to make it work, the only thing you can do is be honest about the way you feel, tell him about how you have been going to counseling to resolve your other issues and that if he still loves you and has any reason to try again, then counseling is a start. If he refuses and still says that he will go “if they can change is mind” then you really just have to sit down together and make a decision on what to do with your marriage. No one can change a persons mind about loving someone and wanting to be with that person, that is not how love works. You have to want to want that person, you have to want to make it work. If the love is not there, you can not force it on someone. Try talking to your husband, but this time face to face (not on the phone), I know it is hard, especially because you want to make it work, but you might have to come to terms with the fact that perhaps, it is over, and the best thing to do is just move forward with your lives.

Good luck,
xo
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com