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Traumatized?

Perhaps it is a strong word. Dreams… sometimes… Daydreams….randomly through out the day….Memories…All the time….Anxiety….with the memories….Sadness….Scared….Traumatized?

Living Life…

You have to continue living after an accident, or something bad that has happened to you, the hard part isn’t continuing to live the hard part is getting back into the same routine you have been so accustomed to without having the bad memories pop into your head every couple of minutes or hours or days. My experience wasn’t all that bad compared to a lot of people who have been in accidents. Most recently an employee was in a motorcycle accident, he broke one wrist, the other hand and his ankle. He has been like this for over a month and still confined to a wheelchair and lots and lots of physical therapy. That to me reminds me of how lucky I am, how I have no reason to truly complain about anything let alone my accident where I walked out of the car without a single scratch. Sure my neck and shoulders are still a bit sore, but that comes with the whiplash of the accident. I rather be sore with a few aches and pains then confined to a wheel chair and needing people to help you do stuff (like going to the restroom). I rather be me any day, and with all that and with knowing that what I said is 110% all true, I still can’t help but to fear, I still can’t help but to feel bad and scared. Every time I start picturing that morning, the rain, the car lights, the hit, it all just happened so fast.

Let it go….

Letting it go is easier said than done, and I know this. If I was giving advice I would say to confront your fear, pass by that area again and let it go. Accidents happen and this is a lesson to learn from, to be more careful, more aware of your surroundings, to not let fear conquer you and to be grateful that nothing happened to you. Sure you have to deal with the aftermath, but everything will be taken care of in time. Let it go and keep living. Knowing all this you think it would be easy for me. Knowing all this, you think I can just let it go, forget and move on. Each time I picture it I get a shiver down my spine, each time I think about it I get saddened that this had to happen. I’m still trying to figure out the “everything happens for a reason” … I still can’t drive in that same spot. Now I go a different way to work in the morning.

When….

When will it stop haunting me and when will I let it go? Only time can tell, I think I will be fine, I know I will be fine, it is just a scary thought that this could have been much worse. Makes you think about life and the things you want and what truly is important and unimportant. Makes you think and realize that things could always be so much worse and today I am just thankful to be able to write this, to sit here with only a little soreness around the neck and carry on with my life as if nothing happened….

xo,
kristin nicole

The Car Accident…

I got up like any other morning, thought about snoozing another 10 minutes and then finally just decided to get up and get ready for work. I got ready, made breakfast and stopped before leaving wondering and feeling like I was forgetting something. I headed towards the door, locked the door, went to the elevator and headed up to my car, I started going down the garage and headed outside and saw that it was raining. I turned my windshield wipers on and headed down the road to work. I was just driving, listening to music and thinking about life, when I look to the side and see the car coming towards me, I look up and it was too late to stop the car hit me on the driver side turning my car, popping my tire and spinning my world around. I got out of the car and everyone was fine, I was fine, they were fine but my car wasn’t fine. Material things come and go, or they get fixed; that wasn’t my concern at all, the only thing that really bothered was that I was the one who got the ticket and I don’t even know what happened. Now I have a ticket to pay, traffic school or court, missions in life that make you wonder why things really happen in life.

If you read my blog you know that I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I am one to admit that saying it is easier said than actually experiencing it. I have gone through things in life where I later turn around and realize why things do happen for a reason, this, this accident I’m still trying to figure out what the reason is?

My boyfriend took me to the hospital afterward just to make sure everything was okay, because my whole left side of my neck and shoulder where killing me. Everything checked out fine, I just had a spasm in my neck which will be sore for several days or weeks. They gave me a soft neck brace and a muscle relaxer. I’m now sitting her typing this with the neck brace on, I didn’t sleep all night from not wanting to make the wrong move and hurt my neck more and from the anxiety every time I thought about getting in a car or taking that same road the next time I go to work.

Moments….

When I was sitting in my car I didn’t notice it in the moment, but when I started trying to replay what happened, I all of a sudden got a vision of a moment in the car accident. I sat there and in one moment, one second in time I saw my grandparents, I saw my grandfather looking at me, and I saw my grandmother and I even saw Oz. I don’t know what it all means but I can’t stop thinking about it. When I think about the accident I get anxiety, I get nervous and feel bad about the entire thing. In life we go through things we don’t know the reasons for, this is one of those moments. It was almost as if my life flashed before my eyes, and although I walked out of that car accident with nothing but a few sores in my neck, I wonder if this is some type of sign. If everything happens for a reason, what is this reason?

In a split second you see things you didn’t even notice you saw, you later remember what you saw and have no clue why or what it means. In life things happen that we never truly know the meaning for, I always try to figure things out, I can’t help but stress, I can’t help but worry and I can’t help but wonder what the reasons are? I look back at past events, present and future and I wonder what the universe has in store for me. If this is now, if this is what I feel, then what can I do to make things better? This year has been a major roller coaster of emotions. I have had good things happen like finally finishing my Associates Degree, Moving into my new place with my boyfriend, having my health and family and friends, the bad somehow seem to take control, Loosing Oz and Precious was something so hard, thinking about it still makes me tear up. I recently also lost my cat Oreo (RIP Oreo – best sweetest outside cat ever), school has been hard and lots of money on tutors and life.

When life gets you down try to think of the positive. That’s what I try to do. It’s hard, I want to sometimes curl up in bed and just cry, or lay in a bubble bath, hold my breath under the water and just let it out. We sometimes have to let the pain out, the tears and the frustration roll out like a thunder storm and then I stop and I try to evaluate my life, I try to figure out what I can do to make things better. Think positive and hope that things turn around. Life is too short to always feel down, but sometimes we can’t help but to feel the way we feel. We don’t always expect the things in life to turn our world up side down. This year has been an emotional roller coaster like I said, but I have faith that things in life will get better. A little faith comes a long way…. Do you have faith?

xo,
kristin nicole
~Random Thoughts~

In times of stress I try to sit back, take a hot bubble bath and think about what I need to do to get back on track. Or sometimes I try to think of absolutely nothing at all.

Juggling your life…

It isn’t easy. Life gives you ups and downs and sometimes we go sideways, but somehow with all the worries and all the stress we figure it out and we come up on top. For me I struggle with a full time job, school, and home. I work every week from 7-4pm and then in between during lunch and when I get home I have school work, and just recently I moved into my new place. So as you can imagine after a few years of absolute spoilness (okay that might not be a word, but anyhow…) I now have to do everything myself. I have to cook dinner, do laundry and cook. Yes I have a boyfriend and he’s been helping me do dishes and clean up but even with some help it’s a bit tough. Getting into the routine of things is hard. If I didn’t have school it might be a little easier, but I’m pushing myself everyday to keep going.

For some it’s easier….

For me, it’s hard… School as always been a struggle for me and each day, each class gets harder with more work. If you aren’t born into a family that can afford your education you have to juggle a full time job and school. You have to take student loans and books to survive. You have to take care of yourself, your job and your education, and sometimes I just feel like calling it quits! Then when my head stops stressing and I have time to actually think, I stop myself and I think about all the hard work I’ve already put into it, and I keep on going, and I keep on pushing through. No one ever told me life would be so hard, but then again no one ever told me it would be easy either.

xo,
kristin nicole
~Random Thoughts~

Moving In & Moving on up…

Okay so I don’t drive a fancy car and my apartment isn’t a Penthouse suite, but I have to say my little apartment is super chic and cute. I have to admit I’ve moved out before but this moving process seemed like a lot of work.

We started moving Friday 08/06/10. My boyfriend and brother took the stuff from his house and loaded up the U-Haul truck… there wasn’t much but clothes and a few boxes/bags and the TV, so off they went from South Miami, to Pembroke Pines. There my dad helped them move the rest of the stuff into the U-Haul truck; my bed, two night stands, TV Stand and a few boxes and clothes etc. I brought them lunch and they were able to go to the building earlier to move in, so off they go to Downtown Miami…..

Downtown… When you’re alone
And life is making you lonely,
You can always go downtown

Up and down they go, moving furniture and boxes…. Meanwhile, I had errands to run, I worked that day at 6:30 in the morning, then I left work at 12pm to head to the Doral to drop off some paperwork, then up to Pembroke Pines where I took the guys food. We ate, they went to downtown and I went to Target and Sedanos to buy a few things I knew we would need to munch on and drink while we were there until I went Grocery shopping Saturday morning. I got the apartment and the guys were thirsty so they each grabbed a bottle water (Good thing I bought some bottle water), they finished unloading and headed to drop the U-Haul Truck back to it’s destination. Meanwhile, I started cleaning up and unpacking. It didn’t look like we had much to unpack, and our place isn’t that big, but it took Friday until 9pm, Saturday after grocery shopping and unloading and cleaning and finishing up until 10pm and Sunday, well Sunday we went up to Ikea in Ft. Lauderdale and bought ourselves a couch

We are now sitting in our apartment with a couch, a bed and a desk in our den. I can truly say that I am finally just about settled in…we have a few more things we need to get (like kitchen supplies) but all in all everything is looking up. Moving in and moving on up…

Downtown…..

xo
kristin nicole

Special Thanks to everyone who helped us move in:

My boyfriend: Thank you for always calming me down when things seem to get rough, and always being there for me. Thank you for all the hard work you put in with the move.

My brother: Thank you for helping us move and even taking the day off. You are the best brother a sister can possibly ask for.

My sister in-law: Thank you for always being there for me, if it wasn’t for you, we might not even be in this place…

My Mom: I couldn’t ask for a better mother, best friend who is always by my side no matter what. Thank you for helping me clean and get my place settled in, you don’t know how much you helped me.

My Dad: Thank you for helping us move and always being there for us.

My In-Laws: Thank you, for always supporting us, helping supply us with things for the apartment and for just being you.

My Sister: Thank you for coming over and helping me and thank you for always making us laugh.

I love you all so much! THANK YOU!

Life is a mystery... (Isn’t that a Madonna song?) Anyway…. I am not old and I know I have many journeys to overcome and many obstacles to pass and I have a lot to learn along the way, but I don’t think that I will ever understand life.

Sometimes we pray so hard for something that never seems to happen, other times we barely wish for it and “BAMB” you have it. In every moment of my life that something has happened I wonder if this is what is truly what is meant for me or is this some kind of challenge or lesson that I need to learn and overcome?

Life is Hard…

But in the end, we still live it, we still enjoy it, we still curse it, and we all love it at one point in our lives. The question everyone asks “Why is life so hard?”, the same question no one has an answer to, is the same question I constantly find myself asking. In the end we have no answer, we keep living our lives and trying to make the best of it.

Life is truly a mystery, so don’t spend so much time trying to figure it out and just live it. Life is too short and I’ve learned that we need to live in the Now, we need to enjoy today, and we need to spend it with the people we love.

Today I start a new chapter in my life. I am moving into my new Condo with my boyfriend and I am blessed to have the support of my family and friends. Thank you for all of those who have helped us along the way, we love you.

xo,
kristin nicole

P.S. – Get Ready to PARTY! ~

everything happens for a reason

FRUSTRATION!

Frustration is a feeling we get when things don’t seem to be going our way. I try to think positive when frustration hits, but it’s so hard when your emotions are going 100 miles a minute and all you can think about is what you are not getting and what is hurting you in the moment. Everything happens for a reason though! Right??? I mean that’s what I’ve always said, and even my mom said, that I was a true believer in that. For goodness sakes I even preach it to others, but why is it so much more difficult in the moment to believe that what is happening is really for a reason?

Everything Happens for a Reason…..

Who came up with this saying? And why is it that in the end I TRULY believe this to be true? Many things have happened to me that I still don’t know the meaning for, and some things happen where I turn around and say “wow that really needed to happen for me to get where I am now”. Of course this didn’t happen right in the moment. Sometimes I want to just scream and throw a tantrum like when you are 2 years old. Sometimes I want to just cry and ask why oh why. And sometimes I just want to be left alone to think about what is truly happening in the moment and wonder if this doesn’t happen, if this doesn’t go my way, what’s next?!?

In those moments….

When everything seems to be going wrong, I sometimes get this calming feeling come over me, like something or someone telling me that everything is going to be okay. It’s strange, but I believe that feeling, and I take in that calm comforting feeling that everything is really going to be just “OKAY”. Even though I don’t always understand why “things happen for a reason”. I know that it must be true, because we just don’t get where we are by accident, we get there with the choices we make, with the the actions we choose and we get there because “things happen for a reason”.

xo,
kristin nicole

Picture taken by Tony C. / Kristin Nicole

Monday I wrote about Tomorrow never being promised, and I still stick by that, which is why you have to make new beginnings with the people you love.

Each day that passes by is another day wasted or another where you know you have achieved what you really wanted to do. Each day we grow older and each day we see things differently. If you know me, you know of the things I’ve had to endure throughout my life, and the things I’ve gone through. Each and every moment is a memory whether good or bad and each memory is the one thing that has made me into who I am today. Some people may say I’m cold, I’m selfish, I’m stuck up, those who know me say that I’m a person’s best-friend, I’m loyal, and loving and I’m always there for you.

I have struggled to finish school and I have finally received and finished my AA degree. I am continuing forward to a new beginning, going towards my bachelors degree, in which I start classes again on Monday. I have finally found a new place with my boyfriend and we are moving in this Friday, I have a wonderful job, and great family and friends, what more can a girl ask for?!? A new beginning doesn’t have to start with a drastic change, a new beginning can start with the small things in life that make you happy, (like finding a new apartment), or getting a new dog. A new beginning is what you make of it. I’m moving forward, I’m starting my life and I am positive that with everything I hold inside me, I will succeed. That my boyfriend will succeed in the things he is working on. That my parents will always pull through and they will always have the love of their children and grandchildren. That my sister will grow these next few years into the wonderful women she already is becoming. That my brother and my sister in law will find what they are looking for and pull through the hard times and that I will find true happiness in what makes life’s simple moments, Great moments! A new beginning, whether big or small is what you make of it. Today and every day is a new beginning.

xo,
kristin nicole

A New Day

Tomorrow’s never promised
Tomorrow I may die
but today like every other day I live my life.

With every heartache good or bad
We grow stronger every time.
With every tear that falls
I know what is truly mine.

A new beginning never ends
each day we start a new
with every smile and every laughter
we live each day through and through.

A new beginning just for me
with every hardship I’ve endured
and with every journey
I always seem to learn.

A new beginning big or small
I start today with this:
I love my life today, tomorrow and every day after this
because tomorrow’s never promised
I live my life each day, never having regrets, never giving up on hope, never letting life take control.

Live each day in the moment, not in the past
A new beginning will arrive at last.

~kristin nicole – 08.11.10 @7:39AM~

Tomorrow is never Promised…..

Thursday I woke up and I went to a funeral, a man I barely knew surrounded by the people he loved and who loved him. His daughter gave a beautiful speech about who he was, who he became, how he accomplished all the things he wanted in life, from marrying the person he loved and having 3 beautiful daughters to having the career he wanted to living a life where he mended all the regrets he may have had before he passed.

I sit and wonder sometimes how life is passing us by so quickly. The older we get the faster it seems to go. Some people in life wait to do things in life not realizing that tomorrow is not promised. We wait to have the perfect career and enough money to support a family before having a family. We make mistakes and we don’t mend them with the people we said we loved. We hold anger and regret and we hold it inside until there is nothing left. We can not wait for a part of our lives to be perfect before making the next step into your life come alive, because if you keep waiting you may never get that chance to move forward with the people you love. If tomorrow never came did you tell the people you love that you love them? Did you mend any wrongs you made in life? Did you tell your friends how much you care? Are you where you want to be?

Life is too shorts to worry about the what if’s and I wish but life is something we treasure anyway. We live a life to get where we want to be, but stop for a second and take a few minutes to evaluate your life, think about the things you want in your future and ask yourself, can I HAVE THIS NOW? Why not now? If it’s there and I can grab it, then why not go for it? Tomorrow is never promised, if you keep waiting it may no longer be there for you to grab. Love, Live, Laugh (right) because if tomorrow came and you never told the person you loved that you love them, how would you feel then?

If you are reading this and you are my family, I love you. If you are reading this and you are my friends, I love you. If you are the person I want to spend my life with and you are reading this, I love you. If you are reading this and you know me but we haven’t spoken in a long time, I’m sorry. If you love me tell me, if you love me hug me, if you love me kiss me, if you love me….

xo,
kristin nicole

~Random Thoughts~

The Question:

Is this adultery to you guys or not….?
A spouse moves out then starts to see someone else is that adultery?

My Response:

Dear Curious;

Depends where you are from. You can call any lawyers office in your area to find out for free. If you are from Florida, Florida is a No Fault State. There are no legal documents for separation and once you are not living together you are technically separated, so it does not count as adultery. Find out by a local lawyer in your area, but if she’s/he’s moved out and they are now with someone else then why bother worrying about adultery, at least they moved out before starting a relationship, and if they moved out there are some issues that need to be resolved, I don’t know the whole story so I’m not sure what else is going on in this situation. Good luck….

xo,
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

Sometimes I wonder if what life is showing me in the NOW is what I’m supposed to take into my heart?!?

As of late I have a lot on my mind. Wondering where life is leading me at my age, what life has in store for me in the future and if what I’m doing NOW is the right thing towards a better tomorrow. We each live our lives the best way we know how, the way our parents or guardians have taught us to live. We live doing what we think is right and we hope that what our future holds is what we have been working so hard to achieve. Do you ever sit and wonder where you would be if only you turned right on that road, instead of left? I sometimes wonder why it is I don’t really wonder about turning right instead of left. I sometimes do not think about the what if’s because if I think “what if”, it isn’t going to change the NOW.

We all have regrets in life, I should have done it this way… I never should have… If only I would have… all those what if’s won’t change the fact that you did or did not do something you should have done. Each path we take in life is a lesson learned, build on that lesson and figure out what it is you need to do so that you don’t make the same mistake twice.

We all have choices in life. We choose to love someone, we choose to hate someone, we choose to wear the clothes we put on in the mornings and we choose the simplest things in life that make us happy. If you aren’t happy with your life, you have the choice to change it. I know sometimes it’s scary to make those choices, to finally get up and make the move, but if you do it, if it will truly make you happy, then why not go for it?

I once was told that I was like a wall with no emotions, because when I got angry I shut them out. I chose to change, and I chose to open up and let them in, only to get hurt. Life lesson?? Maybe I shouldn’t put that wall down? Or maybe I just needed to let someone in only to find the true person I was supposed to find in life? Everything in life, whether good or bad happens for a reason, and we may not understand why, but one day you will turn around and realize that it had to happen to get where you are. We meet people in our lives who introduce us to other people were supposed to meet and sometimes the people who introduced us aren’t even in our lives anymore. Ever wonder why that is? We had to meet that one person so that we can meet the next person who is supposed to enter into our lives. I believe in that everything happens for a reason, even if sometimes I don’t understand the reasons.

If you love someone you shouldn’t think so much about the future and the things you want in life before you move on to that next step, because sometimes you wait so long for that perfect moment, and that perfect moment passes you by. When you look over that perfect moment might be gone forever. Live in the NOW, if you love someone tell them you love them. If you have something inside you just want to tell that person, tell them. If you have a friend you wish you could just talk to again, but it’s been a while, pick up the phone. If you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, then do it. Don’t wait for a better tomorrow because tomorrow is NEVER PROMISED!

Life is too short to always think about the what if’s, so for right now, this moment in life, I’m LIVING IN THE NOW!

xo,
kristin nicole