Tag Archives: ex

Should I feel guilty?

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The Question:

Should I feel guilty? Why do I?? Confused!!?

Ive just come out of a relationship. It was hard to end and I wasn’t happy in the end. The guy didn’t talk to me for weeks after we split and now he turns up saying all the stuff I ever wanted to hear. Mean while, I started dating (nothing serious just dates) this other guy. I explained to the new guy, that I’m just out of a relationship and I have mixed up feelings, and he is ok about it. So why do I feel guilty? Like if I’m cheating on someone when I’m not!!? I told my ex we can talk next week but I can’t promise more then that and we will see what happens. Am I doing anything wrong? Why do I feel guilty? I’m no one’s girlfriend now right? Thanks in advance for your advice.
~Conflicted

My Response:

Dear Conflicted;

You shouldn’t feel guilty because you were very honest with they guy you are dating about just being out of a relationship and not wanting anything serious. You are probably conflicted because you may really like the new guy you are dating, and even though you haven’t done anything but talk to your ex, you are feeling like it’s wrong. If you weren’t happy at the end of your relationship then why do you want to talk to your ex now? I think the best thing to do is move on from your ex, and the easiest way to do that is to stop talking to him. If you really like this new guy then don’t ruin it by talking to your ex. If you are confused, then take some time off from both of them and see what you want to do. If you have unfinished feelings with your ex then maybe talking to him and seeing him will clear a few things up for you. Don’t drive yourself crazy about it though, you are single and you are doing nothing wrong, you were honest with the guy you are dating, so if he wants to stick around while you sort out your feelings then that is entirely up to him. Good luck.

xo,
kristin nicole

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Ex Fiance…Lost house…What’s Next?

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The Question:

Dear Kristin Nicole;

Everything in my life lately seems to be going downhill. I broke up with my fiance, I lost my house, and now I’m trying to find my own place. Everywhere I look I get shot down or something is wrong. I just feel like nothing is going my way lately. My ex called and he wants to talk, the reason we broke up was because he was cheating on me. I am thinking of taking him back and maybe things will start getting better. What do you think?

~Bad luck

My Response:

Dear Bad luck;

Getting back with your ex isn’t going to solve your problems. He is your ex for a reason, and he cheated on you, there is no justification on getting back with him. You need to start thinking positive and you need to move on with your life. Maybe have a girls night out to clear your mind, or take some Yoga classes or even better, kick boxing to get all the frustration piled up out on the punching bag. Get yourself together and find a real man who won’t cheat on you, a nice apartment you’ll be happy in and you will soon see that everything will come together.

xo,
kristin nicole

I cheated on my bf with my ex when he was in the hospital…

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The Question:

Dear Kristin Nicole:

I found your answer on a question on Yahoo, and discovered your website.
I am really lost and don’t know what to do.

I’m/was with my boyfriend for 4 years and he was the sweetest thing that ever happened to me. He’s really special, caring and loving and deep and I always thought that I don’t deserve him. Two weeks ago he went to the hospital to get operated and I cheated on him with my ex. I don’t know what got into me, I can’t even remember how it happened, it just did. I know that it’s disgusting, to make matters worse my boyfriend hated my ex and still do. My ex is the reason I got drug and alcohol addiction, he used to beat me and kick me out of the house.
My boyfriend risked going to jail because he defended me and got into a fight with my ex. He always asked me to not speak with my ex anymore but I always got angry and yelled at him for not trusting me. Even though I know it wasn’t a trust issue but because my ex is evil, I just refused to erase him from my life.
So the night in question, my ex came drunk to the house (my boyfriend’s house) and asked me to let him in. I refused at first but he convinced me. We got drunk and it happened. When I woke up I kicked him out and have been feeling like a piece of shit since. Few days later my boyfriend got out of the hospital, I refused to have sex with him (just the idea of having sex with him when I cheated on him when I cheated on him with the worst person nauseated me). So for days I was faking being ill and my boyfriend was very very worried about me, he didn’t suspect anything and thought I was sick. He stayed at home taking care of me (while he was the one that needed it), didn’t let me do anything, bought me all this organic stuff that is supposed to make me feel better. I seriously thought of killing myself, but didn’t have the courage.

Yesteday, I came clean. I sent him a text message while he was out.
I expected him to kick me out of the house (his house) or beat me up or anything but instead he couldn’t even walk and he started to cry saying no, no. It was horrible to see, he kept saying no, no and crying as if I was stabbing him.
I didn’t know what to, I tried to hug him but didn’t have the courage.

Now he’s at his sister. He texted me that he couldn’t believe I could do this to him, that he would never do such thing.

My boyfriend has a history of betrayal. His father always cheated on his mother, then he went to live with an abusive uncle whe he lost his mother at the age of 13 and all these things are what made him special. He tried to kill himself when he was 16. He’s sweet and caring, everybody loves him. He’s very intelligent and mature, he raised himself and his sister by his own. He does benevolent work. Always sweet to living things. I remember that we had a big fight because I discovered a big mouse in our appartment and he didn’t want to kill it. I was afraid so he drove me to my parents at 2 am and then got back home and patiently caught the mouse. He always called me petite fée (little fairy) and always surprises me with romantic stuff. He’s really the most amazing and beautiful thing that ever happened to me. He was the only one that had faith in me, he paid my studies, and took care of me when I was pill addict. I have a history of being selfdestructive and seeking pain but this time I really fucked things up and I really want to repair it.
I know he still loves me, but I know that I have to make things right. He’s all the help I need, and I really want to gain him back.

My Response:

Dear Regrets;

I am not going to sugar coat what you did because I think you already know that what you did was wrong. You have recognized that you have had serious issues with being addicted to drugs and alcohol and you have recognized that you push those you love away. Example #1: Your boyfriend. What you did to him his unacceptable and I can’t tell you that what you did is okay because you were drunk. No person can convince another person to let them in their house, let a lone drink and get drunk with them and sleep with them. Why you did what you did, I don’t know and now you have to live with the consequences. Your consequences unfortunately might be loosing your boyfriend. The fact that you know all the details to your boyfriends dreadful past and the fact that he has lost people and lost trust in people is sad to see that you would do what you did, but I am not going to keep telling you that what you did was bad, because I can tell that you truly feel bad for what you did. Your boyfriend has every right to feel the way he does and move out of his house for a little, the fact that he has not kicked you out is another sign of what a good person he is. He may not want to speak to you and you may have lost your chance with a decent guy but you have to sit and talk to him and even if you don’t get back together you need to ask for forgiveness, tell him how bad you feel and see where it goes from there. There is a chance that he will forgive you, but you have a lot of issues you need to take care of. You first need to realize what a bad guy your ex is and finally letting him go and getting him out of your life is the first step into moving on. You need to first learn how to love and respect yourself and know that you do deserve love and respect and from there you can learn to to accept love and respect from others. You have to learn that being in an abusive relationship is not good and that you deserve better then that. Drugs and alcohol are not your friends and you have to trust in those who will be good to you and bring good into your life. If your boyfriend does forgive you, and he decides to stay with you, you have a lot of making up to do and you need to start with forgiving yourself and starting new. It is not going to be easy to gain your boyfriends trust in you but you have to first start with saying how sorry you are and asking for forgiveness. Good luck.

xo,
kristin nicole

New Chick or Old Chick?

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Dear kristin nicole;

Ok I need some help. I just started dating this new chick a month ago (we were acquaintances before we started dating). I liked her so much (mostly cause shes hot) that I cut off the previous girl I was dating (equally hot) because that one was going downhill fast. And I wanted to start new and fresh without anyone in the way. This new chick was in the same situation as me as she stopped talking to the one person she was dating as they were going downhill as well. So we were basically in the same situation when we started seeing each other. Everything was great for this whole month until I found out yesterday that she is still hanging out with her ex. When I confronted her she admitted it but stated they are just friends. To top it off they are neighbors so it’s not like they can’t see each other anyway. I’m very upset at this situation because I stopped talking to the one I was dating previous to this new chick and then she does this to me. Also the previous chick is begging me back and pleading to see me. I decline her advances to me but I still talk to her here and there. What should I do? Should I go back to the previous chick (which has its own set of problems) or should I just stay with the new chick knowing that she still sees her ex?

Thanks,
Confused dude

Dear Confused dude;

I think that if she is still talking to her ex and didn’t tell you can mean two things, one that she still has feelings for him so she hid the the fact that he lives next door and that she still talks to him or two she figured you might get a little jealous and since there is nothing going on figured telling you would only make things questionable, which in fact it has. I think she should have been honest with you and if there is nothing going on with the ex then there is no reason for her to hide anything from you. If you really like this new girl then you need to talk to her, ask her what is up? Ask her straight out about her ex, if she still has feelings for him then you don’t want to be involved with a girl who can’t make up her mind, if she says nothing is going on with her ex and she really likes you, then you have one of two choices, believe her (because she has never shown you otherwise that she may be lying) or decide that you can’t deal with it and move on. As for the first girl – Stop keeping her around, tell her you are just not interested in her like that (of course say this in a nice way), but don’t even bother with someone that you already know is complicated. Why would you want that in your life? Don’t ever settle just because it is easy, if you really like someone and they like you it should happen easily.

xo,
kristin nicole

I can’t help but wait for his call…

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The Question:

Dear kristin nicole;

Hi, me and my ex-boyfriend have known each other for over a year and have been in and out of our relationship. The problem is I can’t stop talking to him, all I do is wait for him to call me or IM me, or even text. When I first met him he was a huge womanizer…he used to make sexual jokes with other girls and etc.
After a few months he lost all contact with other people though and just talked to me even though I encouraged him to get back his friends. After a few more months his parents found out about our relationship and completely started to rule my boyfriend. They insulted me and our relationship, and lied and manipulated both of us severely. It’s been going on ever sense, even though it’s not as bad as before.
He used to lie about little things all the time, even things that didn’t even matter. He let his mother control his life and all his decisions, and even though his mother was emotionally abusing me and him he would not stand up to her. (Were both underage by the way) He also let tons of girls flirt with him, and when I told him that he needed to tell them to stop, he changed the subject and acted like I never said anything. Also when his friends made fun of me, or made jokes about me and I asked him to stand up for me he would just ignore it.

He emailed my mom and told her about all the bad things I had been doing, even though I had told him to keep it a secret. I used to be a cutter and very suicidal, but I was getting help for it.
Even though my mother found out she did not push help on me, and I got over it on my own.
When I confronted him about it the first time he lied and said he did nothing like that, after pressing him for 15 minutes he finally admitted it, and he promised he would never do it again. After that he manipulated me into feeling sorry for him about his life and etc (like he does in every argument)
A few months later I found out he was doing it again, I confronted him about it again, and he lied, and then manipulated me into feeling bad for him again. He kept on lying about little things and kept denying them, which got me pissed off. Recently I found out he posted his old sexual relations publicly on facebook, which disgusted me. I confronted him about it and he said it meant nothing.

We broke about 4 – 5 months ago from an argument. (He told me I was over-reacting about being depressed over all of this, and I was stupid to think this way and relationships have been through much worse and I didn’t deserve to be talking this way). He used to have this gang of friends that were very rude, used girls and were very controlling. A year ago or so he said he stopped all communication.
He lied and kept going back once in awhile, I told him to stop. He lied and kept going back.
AGAIN I told him to stop and he kept going back. This went on for another like 3 times.

Before I met him even though I was going through a-lot of stuff I was very happy, but after all of this It feels like I have clinical depression.

I don’t think I love him anymore, I don’t trust him nor care about him or anything.
but yet I can’t stop talking to him. I really want to stop but every time I do I can’t help myself but go back online to talk to him, or call him or text. I know i’m stupid to do that though.
Please help me to stop.

~Waiting for a call~

My Response:

Dear Waiting for a call;

It sounds like you already know where you want to be in this relationship and I cannot tell you how to stop talking to your ex or how to make you feel less sad about the situation, with that said however, you sound much stronger than what you give yourself credit for. You have surpassed being depressed and cutting yourself without the help of your family (which is what you stated), and the fact that you can be strong enough to know that was not good for you and to stop is very strong of you. You realized that your boyfriend was manipulating you into feeling bad for him and the fact that you have realized this is a big step. You already know you don’t love him any more and that you don’t want to be with him, the hardest part is actually letting go. Sometimes even though we know we don’t love someone anymore, and we know that they aren’t any good for us, as humans we tend to hold on to stuff, and even though you know that this isn’t the person you want to be with you keep talking to him. Ask yourself why you think that is? You have to be strong and lose all connection with him, you need to move on and it isn’t going to be easy because it sounds like you were in this relationship for a long time. You deserve someone better, someone who won’t lie to you, someone whose family will accept you and not try to cause more problems. You deserve to be happy and I think that you already know that leaving him and losing all connection with him is the beginning to that happiness.

Don’t let him manipulate you anymore, be strong and know that you deserve someone better. Believe me there are better guys out there, of what you have described, this guy is a loser, and you can do so much better!

xo,
kristin nicole

Is it appropriate if I write a letter to my ex-girlfriends daughter?

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The Question:

My ex-girlfriend hates me and will never speak to me again, but I just had a dream where I bumped into her and her 7 year old daughter and the daughter ran up to me crying and hugged me. I woke up sad, and I would like to write the daughter a letter, just telling her how much I miss her. Is this appropriate? Should I write the letter or not? I do not have any ulterior motives like trying to get back with my ex-girlfriend or anything like that. Any advice would help. Thank You.

My Response:

Dear Dreamer;

I know it has to be hard to not see your ex-girlfriends daughter anymore, especially if you came to really care for her. With that said, she’s only 7 years old, and although writing a letter is nice, she may not understand it, also, the mother will see it first and if she’s as angry with you as you say she is, more than likely she will just throw the paper away and not even show it to her daughter. Unfortunately when people get into relationships with people with children and it isn’t their child, we develop feelings as if they were ares, but the problem is, if the relationship does not work out, the child is left without that person in their lives and you are left with an empty feeling of guilt. I do not know what happened between your ex and you, but you are going to just have to move on. Children are very resilient to what is going on around them, don’t make it worse by making the mother more angry. It’s hard, but you have to let them go.

xo,
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

Is it a good sign that he did this?

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The Question:

My boyfriend and I were in an on and off relationship for almost two years, but a couple of months ago, we decided to break it off and haven’t spoken since.

A couple of days ago, I saw that he had been to my LinkedIn profile – and he is not a connection, since I started the account after the last time we broke up.

Does this mean that he might be thinking of me? Am I right to think it’s a good sign?

My Response:

Dear LinkedIn;

LinkedIn is used for professional reasons, perhaps he was thinking of getting one and just wanted to see your profile, just because he was looking at it doesn’t necessarily mean he was thinking of you to get back with you or anything. You also said that it was a mutual decision to break up, so why the wondering about your ex boyfriend now?

I also don’t see how you know he looked at your LinkedIn? Perhaps the question here goes beyond the fact that he might be thinking of you. I say let it go, if he hasn’t tried to contact you directly then move on. You broke up for a reason right?

xo,
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

My bf wants to get married but I don’t…

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The Question:

Dear kristin nicole;

I am going through a huge dilemma in my life right now. I am 23 years old ( Indian girl ). I have been in a relationship with this guy for 4 years. ( it’s long distance) for the first 2 years everything was fine, for the last 2 years, we have been facing problems. He is very possessive and insecure,he gets mad at me and it’s very bad, he loves making a big deal out of nothing and when I talk to my friends about it, they get so surprised about the fact that someone can be as insecure/jealous and as possessive as him. I get so scared every single time when he calls me. Every time I he calls I feel like it’s to have another fight with me.

The only reason why I’m with him right now is that he blames me for not doing anything in his life for the past 2 years, and I feel obligated to stay with him. He stopped working when we were having problems, and now he has to start everything from scratch. He blames me for that and because of me he is not as successful as he is suppose to be ( he is 28). While on the other hand, I didn’t let these fights affect my career, so I didn’t waste any time.

He is not as out going as I am, he is not as talkative/social as I am, he doesn’t have as many friends as I do, so he expects me to be like him; not go to any b’day parties..or clubbing…or hang out with any of my guy friends…

My question is: is it right to blame myself that he didn’t do anything over 2 years? I never asked him to just stop his life!! In those 2 years, we didn’t talk at all for 6 months, so technically I wasn’t a part of his life for 6 months, he still didn’t do anything over those 6 months, and now he tells me that just because I hurt him so much with my arguing he cant focus on anything else, he only accepts things which he likes and doesn’t want to listen to my suggestions/opinions/likes/dislikes…

Am I going to ruin my life by staying with him? He wants me to talk to my parents about marriage, but I really don’t feel like getting married. I am not excited at all about anything in this relationship, and I don’t even know how our future is gonna look like.

On the other hand one of my best friends told me he likes me, he has supported me in every single step of my life, I respect him a lot. He makes me smile, he doesn’t expect anything in return, he knows about my complicated relationship with my boyfriend and I think I like this friend of mine. He is one of the most decent/caring guys out there and he has everything I ever wanted in a guy. What should I do?

My feelings for my boyfriend died a year ago…. :( but now he insists that I talk to my parents about marriage.
Please help me!!

~from: a girl in dilemma~

My Response:

Dear a girl in dilemma;

Let’s start with you staying with this man just because he chose to not work for 2 years. How in any way is this your fault? If he is blaming you it’s because he doesn’t want to blame himself for his life going down the drain. In no way is it your fault that he hasn’t worked, that doesn’t even make sense. We all make choices in life and he chose not to work and to not find another job. He is 28 years old not 18, he’s a grown man and it’s time for him to grow up and take responsibility of his own life. It is obvious to me (and you stated it: “my feelings for my boyfriend died a year ago”) then there really is no question here as to leave him or not. I think you already made the choice a long time ago, now you have to stand up and tell him how you feel. He may not let you go easily but you need to be strong, this is your life, and life is too short to keep wasting it with someone that you don’t love. You don’t live together and you have nothing together so it should be fairly easy to end things. Again he may not let you go that easily, if you aren’t getting along and he’s still proposing marriage then he obviously is in denial over your relationship. DEFINITELY, and I mean Definitely do NOT get married to this guy, you said it yourself “I really don’t feel like getting married”; you know the answer to ending this relationship, now all you can do is actually end it. Your boyfriend cannot force you to marry him, end things now, don’t waste anymore time being with someone you already know you don’t want to be with.

As for your good friend, you can be having feelings for him just because he’s there for you and it’s comforting to have a man understand what you are going through since the relationship you are in is not healthy. I am not saying that these feelings aren’t real, but just take it slow. First deal with the relationship you are in right now, then take time for yourself to evaluate what you want in life. Take it slow with your friend and see if you really want to be in a relationship with him or if you want to just continue staying friends. If you see that you both really like each other then go for it, give it a try, but remember sometimes relationships can ruin friendships if it doesn’t work out, so just make sure this is what you really want before going into it.

Remember you are the only one that can change your life, you are the only one that can move on from the relationship you are in and start living it with someone you actually love.

xo,
kristin nicole

Is there hope after love?

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The Question:

“I don’t love you any more” I will never forget the day my wife told me those words…we have only been married for less than a year and been together for two years before that but it still felt like my my whole life was falling apart…people tell me I’m lucky we had no kids or that it happened now instead of 20 years down the road but that doesn’t seem to take away from the fact that I love her more than any thing…to be told your not loved by the person you built your world around will knock you down and I’m finding it very hard to get back up. I’ve moved away and I’m starting a new job but my hart seems to be stuck in the past, I still love her even thought I know there is no real hope of us ever being together again. I’ve started drinking which I never do but it seems to be the only thing that takes away some of the pain if only for a few hours; anyway this is not really a question its just me asking for others story of hope and recovery from losing love. Please tell me how you got over your loss of love and that’s its going to get better…right????

My Response:

Dear Lost Love;

Being told by the person you think you’re going to spend the rest of your life with that they don’t love you anymore is heartbreaking, world shattering news. It’s like a train runs you over and you can’t move. A brick wall is standing in front of you and you don’t know where to go. Truth is, even though it hurts right now, and even though you feel like you will always love her and only her, time passes and does heal all wounds. It is true what people say, it’s better now that you didn’t have kids together, it’s better now than 20 years down the road after you lived half your life together, it’s just better now. This is true, but it doesn’t mean it’s going to make you feel better about the situation. You have to think though, did you want to stay in a marriage full of lies, filled with someone you loved so much but doesn’t love you back in return? Don’t you think you deserve to be loved the way you love them? There is no big secret about how to move on, there is no “do this”; “do that”, and you will get over it. Everyone is different and we all move on in different ways. As for your drinking, if it’s to try to make the pain go away, then that’s a problem, drinking doesn’t solve sadness, it only increases it. If you are noticing that you are drinking more, than you should be able to control it. It’s not easy moving forward when you thought you already had your life planned out with someone, but this is a new beginning, you have a new job a new place a new life…Think positive, I know it’s hard, but I promise, things do get better.

xo,
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

Need help regarding my BF’s Ex…

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The Question:

My boyfriend of two months just told me that his previous girlfriend is actually one of his good friends that I knew about. He apparently took a long time to get over her. They hang out as a group a lot even after they broke up and remain as good friends that contact each other frequently. She even told him that she liked him again but he said that he was too confused as she had cheated on him.

She’s very pretty and outgoing, like him, but I’m an indoors person and I don’t share many interests as him. I keep feeling like he should be with her, so I keep hinting to him that I wouldn’t mind if they got back together again. He tells me he loves me everyday, but I just feel so insecure.

How can I stop feeling this way??

My Response:

Dear Insecure;

First if you are trying to push him to be with his ex, then what is the question here? If you love this guy be with him, if you don’t feel that you have a future move on. If he’s confused then he needs to sort his feelings out and figure out what he wants. There are some ex’s that can remain friends, but I think it puts a strain on the new relationships. I do not think it’s fair for you to have to feel comfortable with them talking all the time and even hanging out, especially after she’s told him that she still has feelings for him. You need to make a choice, sit down and stop feeling insecure, talk to your boyfriend, and if he loves you, you are going to have to trust that what he’s telling you is the truth, and if you feel you can’t trust his feelings, then you will have to make a choice, whether to stay with him and see where it goes or move on now and be with someone you have more interest in common with.

Good luck.

xo,
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com