The Question:

Dear Kristin Nicole,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. I am twenty six and he is twenty eight. We have a one year old and found out recently twins on the way. He has a four year old from a previous marriage too. We currently don’t live together. Before the twins I moved out due to his drinking issues. We have since found a new sense of respect and trust within each other and continue to improve on our bad fighting habits and both of us wish to resume and share a life together again. We are saving up for a larger home and currently we each live with our parents; but he will not have sex with me. He says he doesn’t have a drive, but I have seen him looking at porn, just not masturbating. What is up? Is it no privacy? Although we used to live at his moms together in the beginning with no sex issues. The twins? Stress? I am very hurt by this and have expressed so but still no action. Please help.

~Lost

Dear Lost,

Communication is key, you said you expressed that you were hurt by this to him already, but yet nothing has changed. I know it’s not an easy subject, but sex is an important part of a relationship, you need to sit down with your boyfriend (without distractions) and see what is going on with him. He could be feeling a bit overwhelmed with the fact that you have twins on the way, you already have a one year old plus he has another child that he has to pay child support to; maybe he is stressed over the financial situation and more. You moved out due to his drinking problems, but you say he’s gotten better, make sure this is the case. You don’t live with him so you don’t know what he does when you aren’t there. If you are trying to work things out and saving for a new home then you should be living together, see how things pan out first. Make sure that he has truly changed before you make a bigger commitment then you are already in with him. You should live together again and make sure that this is what you both want before buying a new home. It’s hard with already having a baby and two more on the way, I am sure he is a little scared and nervous and stressing over the finances. This could be a big part in why his sex drive hasn’t been up lately, just talk to him, be there for each other. You have caught him watching porn but not masturbating; have you talked to him about this? Maybe he’s trying to get in the mood somehow? Talk to him, these are answers only he can share with you, and if he’s not sure, maybe couple counseling will help. You have two more children on the way with this man, COMMUNICATE, try to make things work, but if the two of you aren’t completely 100% in this and happy, then you need to talk about where to go from here. Good luck…

xo,
kristin nicole